my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
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If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!