me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
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St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
*Inspirational Tweets*
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
PLEASE READ
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.