when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
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@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
I am HOWLING at this