When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
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Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
Why I divorced her.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile