Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
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Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.