Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
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Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
I support this random dude and all his protests
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”