i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
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“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.