Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
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Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
Whoa… oh I see lol
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
I’m having an out of money experience.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.