Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
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constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
The future is now.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”