made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
You Might Also Like
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’