Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
You Might Also Like
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*