My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
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*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.