If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
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7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
next question.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat