“Boo!” — cow with a cold
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“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.