[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
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The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
sir, my pâté if you please
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Time heals everything 🙂
Super Hand Dog Face