My current situation
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You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Rt to bother an English speaker
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.