Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
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A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.