Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
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adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Twitter is an abusement park.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Sorry I made promises on Friday
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Brilliant!
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich