{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
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when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*