Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
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Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.