GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
You Might Also Like
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
BRO LMFAO
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
I can’t stop laughing at this