I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
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A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
mmm onion ringos
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
this article brought to you by lions
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
I’m so full I could puke a horse
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade