Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
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[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.