People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
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I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
Stop sending me this shit.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…