I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
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Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW