I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
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I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.