dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
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[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Said the murderer.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.