Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
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Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
cats when you pet them too long:
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
This is the one
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?