They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
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Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
How about I get 100% off by already being there
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.