At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
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6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”