One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
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[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
For those that worship cheese..