if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
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It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
There’s never enough good news
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
Teach your children to beatbox
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll