Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
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When you’re here for the treats.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way