I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
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DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.