my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
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I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
You’re the water to my grease fire.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!