Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
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I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
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MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now