Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
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My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.