which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
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I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
🛁
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi