No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
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Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
the clam before the storm
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub