Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
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‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁