Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
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Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.