Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
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me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
me and the Superbowl rn
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.