Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
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The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
You’re the water to my grease fire.