Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
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If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
He just like my cat fr
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them