Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
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Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.