My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
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You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
What about second breakfast?
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.