I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
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[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.