Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
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*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun