The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
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I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”