How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
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Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit